Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

 

I didn't share this earlier, but Ilan has been anxiously awaiting the arrival of his baby sister.  In fact, when I was newly pregnant (before I had taken the test) he said to me: "Ima, I am going to be 5 when the baby in your tummy is born."  He also announced to family several months before we had our first sonogram that he was going to be having a baby sister.  Since we've known there was an issue with her health, he has been praying that God would heal her.  He's very proud of her and he's especially excited to have so much pink around.  Sigh.  When I saw him for the first time after she was born, the first thing he said is "Ima, you can rough house now!"  Sounds familiar.

 I don't think Aitan had any clue what it meant that baby sister was in Ima's tummy, but we did have some close friends who had a baby this summer so I think he somehow understood what was happening.  He's been very curious about her, wanting to touch and hold her as much as possible.  He is on maximum security these days.  Two days ago I was in the boys room putting laundry away and Scott came in to talk to me.  All of a sudden Scott shouts "OH MY GOD!"  I look to see Aitan walking in the bedroom holding his sister.  Yeah...it took a while for my heart to stop pounding.  Fortunately he had her around her waist and he didn't drop her!!  He does love her, though and likes to call her "Miss."  He also calls her Meshama.  He didn't care much for her umbilical cord, which he calls her "belly cord."  He kept asking to see it and then would say "It's yucky.  I don't have to touch it."

 

And for the little miss, aka Nes Gadol...  She's pretty much a happy camper.  She likes her paci, she likes to nurse, she likes to sleep and sometimes we get to see those big blue eyes.  She really only cries when she's hungry, having her diaper changed or is over tired (understand that she lives in a house with some very loud boys).

Overall the adjustment has been pretty smooth.  Better than I expected.   I was so completely fatigued during the pregnancy, that a little bit of sleep deprivation doesn't seem so bad.  It's been an easier adjustment emotionally for me as well.  When Aitan was born I felt so sad about how it changed things for Ilan and I, but this time around the boys are used to sharing my attention.  I'm not a very patient person, so it feels nice to have what little patience I had back.  I'm sure the boys appreciate it, too.  We've been able to get out a few times and that feels good, too.  I think we can do this...

We're home.

So we learned something this week.  Those doctor shows where the doctor says "go run this, that, and the other test," the tests are run immediately, and, even better, the results are also available immediately are pretty far from reality.  Having a baby the day before a holiday weekend (one whose holiday is observed the day after the weekend) means any test or procedure will take a very, very long time to approve, to schedule, to perform and to read.  Sigh.  Feels like we spent so much of these past five days waiting for people who were on holiday or offices/departments that were closed.

We are home today.  Finally.  

The final diagnosis is agenesis of the left lung, meaning she does not have one.  We will follow-up with the cardiologist we have been seeing pre-natally and also a pediatric pulmonologist he suggested.  The doctor commented the first night that if we had not had the pre-natal sonogram they would have no indication that there was anything abnormal about her.  Because she has only 1 lung we need to be especially cautious about respiratory infections and hand washing, she may be at risk for scoliosis because of the weight imbalance in her upper body, and she will probably not be a marathon runner.  I'm sure we will learn more about what to expect from our follow-up appointments, but basically it looks like she will be able to live a fairly normal life.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us.  She was able to start breastfeeding the first night and I was fortunate to have a day nurse who was a lactation consultant on Sunday and Monday, which meant she was willing to call me if Neshama woke up wanting to nurse and I wasn't at her bedside, instead of adhering to a strict 3-hour schedule.  So, even with a delay we got off to a good start.  She'll get to meet her brothers tonight.  I'm sure we'll post pictures at some point.

12 days late

The last half of this pregnancy has been pretty stressful for me. Knowing there is some mysterious health issue with my daughter, but not knowing what it is exactly or how she will respond when she is born has weighed heavily on me. As a mom of 2 other boys, I couldn’t live in these emotions, and so I processed when I could and had lots of highs and lows. My general sense was that she would be okay, but that it might be a rocky road to get to that point. A couple months before her health issue was discovered I felt like God gave me a warning or premonition that I was going to go though some type of adventure, for lack of a better word. I am not a super adventurous person, but I don’t shy away from it either. As one who has moved across country and even to a different country, I knew that this had to be something way outside of my comfort zone, for God to give me a warning of this sort. As we learned more about our daughter and had to spend 22 weeks in absolute uncertainty, that warning really anchored me. It was such a merciful and gracious gift from the Lord.

Toward the end of the pregnancy I will admit I shut off emotionally. Probably not the best way to deal with things, but survival was my goal. I just wanted her to be born so we knew what we were dealing with. December was hard. Lots of doctors appointments, colds, and not much sleep in addition to the extra holiday activities. I felt sapped of all reserve emotion and energy. As her due date approached we were all on stand by. And by all, I mean Scott and I, our parents, siblings and the many friends and other family members who reached out to us. We thought for sure she was coming the week before Christmas – after all Ilan was 1 day late and Aitan 5. I hardly felt I had the strength to make it that far. As Christmas Eve and then Christmas rolled around my anticipation turned to anger. Frankly, I was pissed that she was still inside and we had no baby and no resolution to question that lurked over our heads. The boys had been with Opa and Oma, Nana and Papa for most of the week before and so we decided to keep them at home and deal with the scenario for our little girl’s birth as a family. As the week drew on, I started to become nervous. All of a sudden I was looking at an induction date and having to decide how I wanted to approach this process. As a doula it is very easy to encourage women to be patient, trust their body, as their due date passes and the pressure to have a baby begins, but as an expectant mother it’s a much different challenge. I sought advice from friends, doulas, midwives about what methods to try, but I didn’t want to spend the second week post-date obsessing about it.

The doctor wanted to induce Sunday if I didn’t have the baby, and wanted me to come in Friday for a non-stress-test. I decided I would have her strip my membrane on Friday if there was no labor and then start castor oil if that didn’t work. But I was also started to recognize how my several weeks of avoiding the subject (mentally) might be coming back to get me. It’s no secret that the mind is the most powerful birthing tool that a woman has. It can work for us positively and negatively. Fear of birth, or certain birth scenarios can be used by our mind to try and protect us, but may also end up contributing to our feared outcomes. It can stall and cripple the birthing process. As I considered this more, I realized I had a problem. My logical mind was telling me that God is in control and that I can trust in him for the outcome (after the birth), but my unconscious mind was saying “The baby is doing just fine inside. If she comes out we’ll be out of control and won’t be able to protect her.” Fortunately I had a tool. I had been doing the HypnoBabies home-study course for natural childbirth and they have a track called “Fear Clearing.” I think part of me avoided listening to this track during the end of my pregnancy as part of my plan to not “go there.” Realizing how I had sabotaged myself, I began to chip away as this defense I had created. For me it wasn’t about the birth – I had chosen the best doctor I could find to support me through this process and I trust my body knows what to do. It was about what happens after the baby’s birth.

So, my plan was to send the boys to their grandparents Friday and Saturday nights and focus on operation Neshama Come Out! The game plan: continue listening to fear clearing, caulophyllum (homeopathically), strip membrane on Friday, acupressure starting Friday night, and castor oil on Saturday.

Thursday I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up around 1:00 am feeling crampy. Went to the bathroom – bloody show. Went back to sleep and woke up at 1:45 again, crampy. Tried going back to sleep listening to some of the HypnoBabies tracks, but could not sleep through the contractions. I had a hard time getting into the hypnosis, so I just stayed in the active mode (center) and listened to the CD’s as I putsed around the house – shower, straightened hair, cleaned out the fridge, made chicken salad, etc. The contractions were intense, but not super regular – averaging from 4 to 15 minutes apart. I called my mom at 5:45 to have her come over because I felt like it would be better to have someone there in case we needed to dash off to the hospital. I was trying to find a supported position that was comfortable to maintain during a contraction, but was struggling for sure. All of a sudden, POP. GUSH. It was about 7:15 and Scott had just rolled out of bed and told him we needed to leave immediately. Part of the trick here was to get to the hospital with enough time for them to observe her in labor and to speak to the neonatologist before hand. Aitan came quick once active labor started and with him my water was intact until I started pushing, so I knew this could get hairy. I rushed Scott out the door and we drove to the hospital.

We arrived at 7:40 am and the secretary told me he was sending me to a triage room. I refused and told him I needed a regular room. He told me he’d take me to the room and I could talk to the nurse about it. I refused. The charge nurse came out. I explained that this was my third baby and that I labored for 1-½ hours with my second and that my water had ruptured. I told her I was 3-4 cm at my exam on Tuesday and I was 12 days past my due date. I concluded my argument: “You are not going to release me, so I’d like a regular room.” She agreed and sent me to a regular room.

Oddly, I wasn’t able to get a hold of my doctor when we left the house. She had given me her cell, which apparently I entered incorrectly in my phone and her office message system was not working properly and didn’t connect me to the answering service. So, my first order of business with the nurse was to make sure she called the doctor. Once we knew she was on her way, the nurse put me on the monitor. When the doctor arrived she did an exam and I was 7 cm. A few contractions later things seemed to just linger and so she checked again and I was almost 10 and she said if I felt the need to push I could. I just really didn’t want to.

I don’t remember pushing being painful or fearful with both boys, but it was very different this time. I just didn’t want to do it and I was afraid to do it. I tried different positions, but I was just miserable. I gently pushed with my breath a few times totally not giving it the full force of my effort and before I knew it she was right there. I was awkwardly splayed on the bed and she had a little trouble working her shoulders out, but the doctor had me pull up on my legs she came right out and onto my tummy. PINK. BREATHING. A big question was whether we could allow the cord clamping to be delayed, but it actually tore on its own and became a moot issue. Time of birth was 9:04 am.   She weighed 8 lbs, 2 oz and is 20 3/4 inches.

Scott accompanied her to the NICU where they ordered tests and did further examinations and I was able to join them around 10:00, when the doctor was done fixing me up. She has been on room air, which means she’s been breathing without oxygen support since birth and is doing great. The Neonatologist commented that without the ultrasound at 20 weeks, they probably would not know she has any health issues. What has been determined at this point is that the blood flow between the left lung and the heart was interrupted and so the left lung is undeveloped, but the right lung is compensating (and doing it well). They are going to run more tests Monday or Tuesday (holiday weekend) to get a better idea of what is happening and to see if there are any other related issues. She is breastfeeding as of last night, but they will keep her in the NICU until they have the test results. The doctors and nurses have been fantastic, although we’re frustrated to stay longer because of the holiday.

Her name is Neshama, which means breath in Hebrew. It is the word used when God breathed life into Adam and in Psalm 150, “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.”

We keep forgetting the camera, but we'll get pictures of eventually.

Popcorn

My husband, my boys, they all LOVE popcorn!  It's a huge treat for the boys and since I've been not the nicest mama lately, I've felt like treating a little more than usual.  So, the air popper has had a home on my counter top for the last several weeks and on many days after we pick Ilan up from school the boys gather in the kitchen - Ilan perched on the cabinet and Aitan on a stool and we fire it up.  Watching the boys excitement as the kernals start to pop takes me right back to my childhood.  I can see my sister and I positioned similarly, waiting with eager anticipation of the metamorphasis.  Their pure delight in the process is heartening and reminds me to take better stock of the simple joys of life.

State of the Factory

Who are we kidding?  A few posts all year?  Not exactly the content to keep you coming back for more. But as the birth of baby girl, due today, draws near I feel the need to capture some of what life has been like these last several months.

I suppose this pregnancy just started different.  I'm not going to say I was sick, but my stomach was definitely more unsettled in the beginning and without predictability there were certain things that just were not going to pass my lips (and I would have preferred to not have pass my nose).  Otherwise things were pretty good.  I had started taking yoga with some lovely mamas and young 'uns in a friends back yard before I knew I was pregnant and have kept it up with some modification during the entire pregnancy.  It's a lovely time to do something for myself and give Aitan the opportunity to play with, push or be pushed by other kids (depending on the day).

I am a certified HypnoDoula with HypnoBabies, so I thought I'd investigate that route for comfort management during the babies birth.  Admittedly, I've slacked in listening the tracks the last several weeks.  I need to get back on that.  I'm hopeful it will help me have an easier, more relaxed birth.  I don't feel like either have been sooo bad to this point, but if it can be even better, then I'm all for it!

At our diagnostic ultrasound our perinatologist (Dr. Bochner) was having trouble viewing the baby's entire heart and referred us to a pediatric cardiologist.  This has issued in a slew of doctors appointments and a huge change in my birth plan, as I was originally planning to give birth at home with midwives from the Sanctuary.  There is no clear diagnosis at this point.  What we know is that the baby's heart is rotated to the left, but seems to be connected and functioning properly.  The most recent theory is that her lungs (or one of them) may not be fully developed and therefore not acting as an "anchor" for the heart.  There is no way to diagnose this before she comes so we are waiting and praying that upon her arrival she will breathe and her body will be able to sustain itself without medical intervention.

As my pregnancy comes to an end, I am finding myself very reliant upon and very thankful for friends and family who have helped lighten my load (and in the process have probably spared my sons' lives).  Between doctors' appointments and just regular life this mama is tired and ready to meet baby girl.


It's been a little strange going through this process without a whole lot of surety.  I do feel like God gave me a premonition of something outside my comfort zone that was coming my way.  I can't say that I've enjoyed the ride, but knowing that God is in control has made a big difference.  I feel his peace and most of the time I am positive.  Every now and then I get a little weepy, just stewing over all of the possibilities, but however hard the process, I do believe it will be good in the end.  So, we wait.

Becoming a Soccer Mom

Ilan had his first experience with organized sports this year and, thus, I became a soccer mom.  At age 5 they don't take things too seriously, so practice was only once a week with a Saturday morning game.  Scott was roped in as coach and one of Ilan's buddies was recruited for our team.  When I say recruited I mean that we knew we were short a player and so I called to see if they were interested, but as it turns out Will participates in a soccer clinic and was an asset to the team.  Ilan did really well, usually scoring a goal or two at each game.  They don't keep score for the young'uns, and half the time half the team was kicking the ball in the wrong direction, but we managed to have fun and keep Aitan off the field (most of the time).

The Long Overdue Birthday Post for Aitan

Let me start by saying that Aitan's name means strong or steadfast.  He is.  As I am writing it is 9:25 pm and Aitan just fell asleep - he was put to bed at 6:30 pm.  Sigh.  This little spark of a boy sure keeps us on our toes and brings a lot of joy around these parts (even when it's something none of us should laugh at).

Aitan knows what is in his closet and he asks for shirts by name - Monster shirt, Dodger shirt, scary firegurt (fireworks) shirt, Spiderman shirt, Thomas shirt, etc.  Most days he has a strong preference and there will just be no negotiating.  He's the same way with shoes - he cried for days when I took away his crocs that were waaaay to small for him.

He likes to pour liquids.  Yes, he can drink from a cup, but this boy will not be trusted with a cup until this pouring thing comes to an end.  If there is a liquid in a cup beware!  He will find it. He will pour it.

He talks a lot.  He gives a running commentary on everything going on around him.  He's very auditory and picks up on words, phrases and songs very quickly.  The other day I caught him singing "Hey Porter" by Johnny Cash.  One of his more favorite phrases lately is "Who wants ice cream?"  Pretty sure Frostini is the originator.  Another good one is "Don't say that word!"  Wonder where he learned that one...  He's had a few short-lived variations of saying yes without actually saying yes.  It started with uh-huh, then yup, then I know (which really got confusing), and now I think we're set on yes. 

He likes attention.  If Aitan does something naughty and gets a laugh, he will do it over and over again.  One evening at dinner we went to sing our prayer "God our Father..." and Aitan said "God our poop..."  Ilan laughed of course and that little phrase has been around ever since.  Shocking, isn't it?  And from a pastor's son.  Sigh. 

He likes to run.  Ugh.  He loves to run!  He gets so much joy from just running up and down the driveway, but I think his favorite place to run is away from Abba or Ima.  I'm so thankful for a stroller with straps!  Even more thankful for spaces where he can run free and I don't have to worry about cars!

He loves his paci.  Not uncommon to hear "need it, paci" around these parts.  There are days when he just wants it so much we give him a little extra time in his bed to be with paci.  He usually hollers when he's ready to come out. 

He's a little bit of a trouble maker.  Just watch him get that devilish look before he does the forbidden.  Oh, how he thrives on it!  Yes, and trouble finds him or he finds it without fail.  If it's quiet, you can count on the fact that you've got trouble!!


He loves trains.  He carries "my Thomas" with him wherever we will let him.
He loves to laugh.  And it's infectious.

He loves to cuddle and has recently started telling us "I looove you," usually along with a kiss and a squeeze. 

In the hospital

Celebrating year #1 at Dodger Stadium

The birthday boy

The Long Overdue Birthday Post for Ilan

(This one will be a bit philosophical - especially because it is also written on the day that Ilan started kindergarten.)

It's really hard to believe that Ilan is five.  He was just a baby.  The transformation from baby to little boy to just boy has been so gradual that I almost didn't notice it happening.  On his birthday Ilan asked if he was taller now that he is 5.  I had to explain that you grow a little bit all the time and that it's gradual.  Of course it's this way with his development.  Every once in a while I think back and wonder "Were we able to talk with Ilan about this a year ago?" or "Could he do that a year ago?"  I just don't remember some of the progress.  Then I get blown away by something he says or does.  

Ilan loves pink.  He often asks for toys in pink or chooses the pink option when given a choice.  I'm pretty sure every man reading this is made a little nervous by that fact, but it's just a color.  

He earned his yellow belt in Tang Soo Do this year.  Since he has started karate we have seen him go from the youngster who liked to be a clown to a (more) serious student who is growing in skill.

He likes to be good at things.  So, when something doesn't come easily or naturally or is a little scary he really doesn't want to try it.  I can relate.  This is an area where we have had to help stretch him.  He's been challenged to go down the pole (which he now loves), sound out words, ride thunder mountain (which he also loves), catching a ball with his glove etc.  It's a challenge to know what to push and what to leave alone.

He loves to play games.  Favorites include Candyland, Uno (Handy Manny Version), Chutes and Ladders, and Trouble.  He tries to be a good sport, but usually if he doesn't win he wants to know if you won for him.  Sure.  Why not.

He loves people.  He loves being around people and interacting with them.  He plays rough, but usually has the best of intentions.  It's sweet to see him rescue other kids who are in need of help and he plays very sweetly with younger children (excluding that which is his brother) and can be very thoughtful.  He's also very sensitive.

He is a quality time guy.  A little undivided attention goes a long way.

He loves sports and the outdoors.

He has a bit of a shoe fetish.

It's been so much fun to see how his mind works and watch him grow and reach goals.  I love our little philosophical conversations, his curiosity and zest for life.  Love this big boy and can't wait to see how he changes in the year to come!

Ilan on my chest in the hospital

 Around just before his first birthday - he still has some of the red, but not enough hair for curls.

Celebrating his 2nd birthday in Naples.

Waiting for birthday cake.

Celebrating his 4th at Jumpin' and Jammin'

On the birthday choo choo train.

First day of Kindergarten

Ilan came in this morning just before 6:00 ready to get a start on the day.  We made whole wheat peanut butter waffles together, made his lunch and sat down for breakfast before anyone else woke up.

Then it was time to get ready.  Ilan didn't really care to wear his closed toed shoes, which made for a few teary pictures, and he was a little disappointed that he had to wear a uniform instead of the "fancy clothes" he wanted to wear, but in the end he was (almost) in uniform and excited to finally don his Mario Kart backpack.

Ilan crying over the shoe situation

On the way home I asked Ilan was the best part of his day was and he said recess.  I asked what the worst part was and he said there wasn't a worst part.  So I asked what was the next best thing and he said coloring.  He then offered up that #3 was going to the bathroom.  They have bathrooms everywhere - even outside, and they all have urinals.  So there you have it. 

It was fun to talk with him about all the things he did during the day and it feels like he's grown up so much just in one day.  Sigh. 

I surprised him with a balloon-filled living room when we got home and was not surprised that Scott received a call from the landlord at about the same time.  Oh well.  You only live once.

My little fishies

Ilan had such a great time swimming in Palm Springs on our vacation that I really wanted to be sure to get him into swim lessons this year. I, however, procrastinated in my search of swim schools and waffled over the very expensive and snooty or public pool variety and then it finally occurred to me that I should look into the city colleges. Aha! I discovered when Ilan went to do his swim test to see where he would place that I was more than a little too late as many of the classes had 20+ kids on the waitlist. Bummed, I put Ilan and Aitan on the list for a couple classes and hoped they'd make it in.

The guy mentioned swim passes and I was intrigued. For several years during my childhood we were part of Gerrish Swim Club in Altadena and we spent hours in the pool each week. The price was right and I couldn't pass it up. So, once or twice a week the boys and I head over to the Santa Monica Swim Center and get our fill of the saltwater pool. I usually pack a lunch and they boys crash in the car on the way home. Delight.

Fortunately, we were called from the waitlist for Ilan so we've been there 4/7 days for the last two weeks. Ilan is doing great in his class and I am so glad he is at exactly the right level. He's being challenged, and is learning technique, but is not being pushed too far. It's perfect!
What is a day at the pool without a little Foster's Freeze to finish it off? I might have searched this one out and made an extra stop, but there happens to be a Foster's Freeze right across the street. I'm just wondering how we keep this from an every-time occurrence. Ilan was a little unsure of a chocolate dipped Ice-cream and opted for sprinkles, but I think he might make the switch next time. Aitan and I shared a chocolate dipped swirl. Once we got home and I transferred the boys from the car, I headed straight for the resolve. Chocolate everywhere!